FateAll's Fair
by sugar.and.cupcakes
Summary: It's not easy being a Servant in peace time! But with love, pranks, transfer students from days of yonder, slightly depressed psychiatrists, and IKEA things will never be boring in Fuyuki City!
1. A Meeting of Fate!

Fate / All's Fair

Chapter One

Gilgamesh sat on a park bench in an almost empty park at sunset. He had left Fuyuki Church about fifteen minutes ago, utterly disgusted with the behavior of his two housemates. Kotomine's _Villains Today_ had just come in and he would have nothing to do with anything else. And Lancer was making himself scarce, something that Gilgamesh was completely fine with. There was no reason he would want to be near an uncultured Irish halfbreed like Lancer. But still, he was bored. In peace time you couldn't just run around and destroy other Servants. Which is what he seriously missed. The sound of giggling reached his ears and Gilgamesh turned toward the sound.

 _Oh look, more halfbr-_ His thought process was interrupted as he laid eyes on one of the giggling girls. His eyes widened and he blushed involuntarily.

The girl had long, chocolate colored hair and big, brown eyes. She was petite and slender with a red ribbon headband in her hair. She was lovely and small and she had his heart in the palm of her svelte hand.

Gilgamesh rose slowly from the bench and strode confidently towards her. She stopped in her tracks at the sight of him and smiled brightly. Her two friends crossed their arms, looking like bodyguards. She met him halfway and tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

 _She's even cuter up close,_ the Hero King thought. He pulled himself together and smirked down at the girl. "Hello, my dear, I am Gilgamesh- the Hero King of Babylon," he said.

She didn't seem too taken aback by his strange introduction. "I'm Mai Nakahara! It's a pleasure to meet you!" she said brightly. She paused and pressed her index finger to her chin. "You don't seem like you're from around here. Are you a transfer student?" she asked.

"Yes," he answered, throwing caution to the wind, "I am transferring in tomorrow!"

She clasped her hands behind her back and flashed him a sweet smile. "Well, good! Maybe we'll have some classes together!"

He smirked again. "Don't worry. I'll make sure of it," he told her.

They said their goodbyes and Gilgamesh walked away, determined to find the school Mai, this dark haired beauty, went to. He recognized the uniform as the same one Saber's halfbreed Master wore. Homurahara Academy, yes?

"So you want to transfer in?" Taiga asked, finishing a cookie. She didn't know why she was stuck monitoring the new transfers. Something about Shinji Matou needing remedial calculus.

"Yes, I will attend this peasant academy," Gilgamesh replied, crossing his arms.

Taiga pursed her lips. She didn't like this pompous blonde kid. She reached inside her desk and pulled out a sheet of paper labeled 'Student Application'. She handed it along with a pencil to the Hero King. He took it and stepped outside to fill it out. The first few questions weren't very difficult. Name? Gilgamesh the Hero King. Date of Birth? The Beginning. Grade? The original grade. Hometown? Babylon. Previous School? The original school. Reason for applying? Mai.

But he was stumped at 'parent/guardian'. What was a 'parent/guardian'? Is it like a Master? He shrugged and wrote down Kotomine's name. It was the best thing he could think of.

"Oh, hi, Gilgamesh! Are you enrolling here?" asked Caster. Her normal clothes were gone and she wore a purple jacket and pencil skirt. She held a large stack of books, most of them about psychology and some of them were Greek myths.

"Go away, halfbreed," he said, without looking up from his application.

Caster giggled and shook her head. Same old Gilgamesh. The Magus Servant was quite enjoying her share of the peace time. She had applied to be the school counselor and had gotten the job. Mainly, she wanted it to be near Kuzuki.

"Caster! Where's Shinji? He's late for remedial calculus!" Rider cried, poking her head out of one of the classrooms.

The Magus sighed. "Maybe if you took off that mask you could find him better."

"He won't be learning calculus if he's turned to stone," Rider snapped.

Shrugging, Caster walked over to her coworker. "See you, Gilgamesh."

"Good riddance," he muttered, finishing the last question. He stood up and reentered Taiga's office. Taiga looked up.

"Did you finish?"

"Yes."

"So where is it?" she asked irritably.

A golden portal appeared on Taiga's desk. It opened and spat out the finished application onto her desk. She took it, smoldering, and waved him out of her office.

Gilgamesh shrugged and left. He didn't even see the point of filling out that useless sheet.

"Well, well, well. I didn't expect to see you here," said a slippery voice. Shinji Matou was leaning against the wall across from Gilgamesh. He straightened up and walked over to the Servant.

"Leave my sight, halfbreed," Gilgamesh commanded.

Shinji crossed his arms. "Come on, don't act like that. Word on the street's you flirted with Mai Nakahara," he said.

Gilgamesh grabbed Shinji's shoulders and dozens of golden portals containing swords opened behind him. "You know Mai?!" he exclaimed.

Shinji grinned. "Hold your horses. It's not like we're BFFs or anything, but I do know how to get a girl to like you. You're pretty out of touch, aren't you? If you go around showing her all your fancy swords you'll just scare her away. Things are different now," he said.

Leaning back, Gilgamesh crossed his arms. "You drive a persuasive bargain. Very well, I shall form an alliance with you."

The pair shook hands.

"SHINJI! Get your skinny butt back here right now!" Rider shouted, putting her hands on her hips. She wore a tight black t-shirt and skinny jeans.

Shinji grinned and raised his eyebrows. "Hey there, Rider," he smirked.

Rider tossed a chain at him, burying a pike into Matou's arm. "That's _Miss_ Rider you ungrateful snot rag," she snarled, dragging him back toward her classroom, "Now it's time for your remedial calculus!"

Gilgamesh watched him be dragged off before walking down the stairs and leaving the academy. There was no reason to stay. After all, he'd be back tomorrow.

"Hey, Gilgamesh," Kotomine said, not looking up from his _Villains Today_.

"Any good celebrity break ups?" asked Gilgamesh, sitting down in an armchair.

"Not today," Kotomine replied, "But there have been some weddings."

"Hmm," Gilgamesh said, leaning back.

Lancer walked into the room, talking on the phone. "Yeah, man, I'm free tonight," he said. He waited for a moment while the person on the other line responded. "Okay, cool. I'll see you then." He hung up and put the phone in his jeans pocket.

"What was that object you were just communicating with?" Gilgamesh asked.

"It's called a cell phone, you Mesopatamian sewer scum," Lancer said with a grin.

Kotomine waved his hand. "Don't fight, you two."

"I want a phone," Gilgamesh said, "Kotomine, buy me a phone."

For the first time all day, the priest looked up from his magazine. "Why do you want a phone?"

"So I can talk to people."

"What people?"

"Mai Nakahara."

Lancer perked up. "Who's Mai Nakahara? Is that your girlfriend?"

"Not yet, but I'm going to make her my bride," Gilgamesh said proudly.

"I thought you wanted Saber to be your bride," Kotomine said.

Gilgamesh blinked. "Why would I want Saber to be my bride? That's ridiculous."

Lancer and Kotomine exchanged a look. "You followed her around with a marriage license last week."

"Nonsense," Gilgamesh said, waving it off. "If I was ever, I am no longer interested in Saber. Mai is the woman I want to marry."

Lancer shrugged. "Whatever. I have to get ready for my date- I mean… a trip to IKEA."

"No. You're going to take Gilgamesh to the phone store. I need to read about Esdeath and Tatsumi's new baby."

"I'm not taking him to the phone store! I have to make myself look nice!"

"Who are you going on a date with?"

"No one! I'm going to IKEA!"

"Why do you need to look nice for IKEA?"

Kotomine closed his magazine and stood up. "Fine, fine. I'll take you to the phone store."

Gilgamesh grinned. "Ha! I will get the original cell phone to add to my collection of ancient treasures!"

The priest and Hero King left for the phone store, leaving Lancer in his pajama pants and band shirt. The spearman sighed and walked back to his room. He was glad neither of his housemates was going to see his date. He pulled out a white button down shirt and black slacks. He pulled them on and redid his hair in its signature ponytail. He glanced at himself in the mirror and smiled. He could work with this.

Archer busted into Rin's room. "Rin! Where are all my shirts?" he shouted.

Rin looked up. "Why do you need one? We're not going anywhere."

"I need a shirt, girl! Where are they?"

"I washed them. They smelled like man."

Archer facepalmed. "I can't go out without a shirt…"

"But why are you going out?"

Archer frowned. "None of your business." He sighed and walked out. He opened his chest of drawers and took out the Christmas sweater Sakura had knitted him last year. Sure it was September but it was the only thing he could wear. He pulled it over his head and smoothed it down. It had a snowman in a red jacket on it. He strode through the halls of the Emiya house, wishing he had his own apartment or something.

"Where are you going?" asked Shirou, emerging from the kitchen.

"None of your business," Archer repeated.

"Are you going on a date, Mr. Archer?" asked Sakura sweetly.

Archer blushed profusely. "I am not going on a date," he said firmly, marching outside.

Sakura and Shirou exchanged a look after he'd gone. "He's totally going on a date," Sakura said.

"Well them, we have to follow him! I need to know who he's going on a date with!" Shirou exclaimed.

"Who's going on a date?" asked Rin.

"Archer," said Sakura.

"Archer's going on a date?" Saber asked incredulously.

Rin threw her fist up into the air. "We have to follow him! Operation Follow Archer is go!"

Gilgamesh examined the phones at the phone store. None of them were labeled 'the original phone' and it upset him.

Kotomine sidled up to the man at the counter. "Just give me a regular iPhone 6s," he whispered. Confused, the cashier handed him a box with the phone. Kotomine swiped his credit card turned to Gilgamesh.

"Gilgamesh! The man at the counter realized who you were and instantly handed over the original phone!" Kotomine said.

Gilgamesh took the phone box. "Very well. This will do." He opened it and turned the sleek device over in his hands. It was a nice golden color and very aesthetically pleasing. A good ancient treasure to add to his collection. He left the shop and looked across the street. There, were two men walking along the sidewalk and holding hands. Gilgamesh narrowed his eyes. Was that Lancer?


	2. Rin's Very Sneaky Spy Mission!

"Yo. Archer!"

Archer looked toward the source of the voice to see Lancer leaning against the wall of some quirky clothing store. Archer approached him with his hands in his pockets.

"Hey, Lancer. Glad you could make it."

Lancer snickered. "Nice sweater."

"Oh, shut up. It's not like it's any worse than those awful Hawaiian shirts you wear," retorted Archer.

The spearman chuckled and jumped up to stand next to the bowman. He grinned and laid his head on Archer's shoulder. "Ha! You love me anyway."

"Come on. Let's go get something to eat so we can keep that abnormally big mouth of yours quiet," Archer shot back, putting an arm around Lancer's shoulder.

They both laughed a little and started down the street. Lancer offered Archer his hand and Archer took it, interlacing their fingers together.

"OH. MY. GOD," Rin whispered from behind a plant, "Archer is going out with Lancer!"

Shirou's face was bright red. "I'm not gay…"

Saber simply watched the pair of men with a slight blush on her face. "So this is what they call boys' love."

"Come on!" Rin hissed, "They're getting away! We have to keep following them!"

"But I don't see anymore hiding plants!" Sakura whispered, "What will we hide behind?"

Rin's eyes gleamed. "Fear not! I brought disguises!" She reached into her coat and pulled out four fake mustaches. Sakura stared at hers for a long moment.

"I don't think this will keep Archer and Lancer from recognizing us," she said.

Shirou's only response was: "I'm not gay…"

Rolling her eyes, Rin slapped on her fake mustache. "Just put on the mustaches, guys!"

They all put on their mustaches and began sneaking stealthily through the shadows after the two Servants. On the other side of the street, Gilgamesh poked Kotomine's shoulder.

"Kotomine! Look! Lancer's going on a date with the other, less-hot Archer!"

Kotomine glanced their way and shrugged. "That's fine, I guess. Now let's get back to the church- I really want to finish that article."

"No! We're going to follow them!" Gilgamesh objected, crouching behind a bench.

"Why should I follow them, too?"

"Because Lancer doesn't think your pizza with curses on top is delicious."

Kotomine got down behind the bench as well. "You're right… he doesn't like my pizza with curses on top."

"Exactly! Now you can get blackmail on him!" Gilgamesh said, his eyes gleaming. This was a golden opportunity!

"Look!" Rin said, pointing to several empty recycling bins.

"We can hide under them so Archer and Lancer don't see us!" exclaimed Saber.

"I'm not gay…"

Sakura got down on the ground and pulled the recycling bin over her body. She began to wonder what she had gotten herself into.

The four scuttled along the street after Archer and Lancer until Archer stopped suddenly and turned around.

"What's wrong?" Lancer asked.

Archer looked at the recycling bins for a long time. "I thought I saw those recycling bins over there moving…"

"Dude, have you been drinking?"

Archer slapped the back of Lancer's head. "I have not been drinking. I've been dealing with idiots all day, including you."

"Hey! You live with a bunch of annoying girls!" Lancer shot back.

"You live with Gilgamesh and Kotomine."

Lancer shrugged. "Good point." He took Archer's hand again and they continued walking down the street.

Saber lifted the recycling bin up a little so she could see out. "They're crossing the street," she whispered.

"Left or right?" asked Rin.

"I'm not gay…"

"Right," Saber answered.

Over on the other side of the street, Gilgamesh pulled his hood up and walked over to the crosswalk, where he stood behind a street lamp.

Kotomine joined him behind the street lamp and they waited for the walk symbol. When it came, they stealthily crossed the street before finding more street lamps to hide behind. Gilgamesh saw several recycling bins just laying in the middle of the sidewalk and was instantly reminded of hunting back in Mesopotamia. To successfully hunt dangerous game you had to camouflage yourself to look like the surroundings. This would be just the same. Making sure Archer and Lancer weren't looking, Gilgamesh lifted up one of the recycling bins. Saber looked up at him. They stared at each other for a while before Gilgamesh dropped the bin back to the ground.

"Well then," he said, looking back up at Kotomine.

The priest picked up a couple of plants and handed one to the ancient warrior. "Here, we can use these to hide behind."

They held the plants in front of their faces and probably the strangest parade of scuttling recycling bins and guys with plants in front of their faces followed two strangely dressed men with odd hair colors.

Lancer looked worriedly over his shoulder. "Archer, these two weird dudes are following us."

Archer put his hand on Lancer's back. "Come on, let's just go inside," he said. He opened the door to a nice restaurant and the bell jingled merrily. Rin threw off her recycling bin.

"Come on! Let's go inside!"

Saber, Sakura, and Shirou followed suit. Shirou opened the door and they all ran inside. Once inside, they dropped to the ground like ninjas or something. The hostess looked down at them.

"Uh… can I help you?" she asked.

"A hiding plant for four, please," Rin asked.

"Make that six," Gilgamesh said, stepping inside with Kotomine.

"Gilgamesh! Kirei! What are you two doing here?" Rin asked suspiciously.

"We're following Lancer," Gilgamesh replied, "Now, get out of my way disgusting halfbreeds and Saber."

Shirou snapped out of his 'I'm not gay' daze. "Hey! Aren't you going to ask Saber to marry you?"

Gilgamesh stepped on Shirou's shoulder and put his hands in his pocket. "No, you idiotic halfbreed."

"But you followed her around with a- ow!"

"Gilgamesh! Get your foot off my Master!" Saber commanded, pushing him in the chest.

He flicked her in the forehead with a bored look and she stumbled back, enraged but it gave Shirou time to get up.

"Didn't you say you wanted a hiding plant for six?" asked the hostess.

"Yes, please," answered Sakura.

The hostess pointed over to a large, broad-leaved plant along the wall. Sakura thanked her and beckoned everyone over to the plant. They all cramped together behind the plant and peered out through the leaves.

"Aww, they look so sweet together," Rin whispered, putting her hands on her cheeks and swooning.

"I think I'm going to make curse burgers tonight," Kotomine remarked.

"I think I'm going to vomit," Shirou whispered.

"I'll hold your hair," Saber offered.

Archer and Lancer sat at their table, looking at the menus and interlacing fingers under the table.

"What do you think you want?" asked Archer, "I think the lasagna looks good."

Lancer shivered. "Hell no. Not after Kotomine's cursed lasagna."

"Cursed lasagna?"

"Yeah, he puts curses in everything. It's really gross. And Gilgamesh just puts souls in everything. It's like- would you like pizza with curses on top or mac and souls? And you never know what kind of soul you're going to get. Sometimes it's really good and other times you get a politician. It also comes with a lot of guilt, so I stopped eating anything they cook."

Archer looked a little disturbed. "Why would anyone eat the soul of a politician?"

"It's even worse if he somehow manages to get a hold of an American one."

"Those must be really bad for you."

Shirou turned a bit green. "Politicians?" Saber pulled Shirou's bangs out of his face.

"Vomit into the plant, Shirou."

Gilgamesh looked utterly offended. "How dare that halfbreed! He has the audacity to not like my cooking _and_ wear his hair like that?" he exclaimed, pulling Ea from a golden portal, "I am going to end him!"

Archer's head whipped around towards the plant and he rose to his full height, looking very angry.

"Crap! Everyone practice your best Australian accents!" Rin hissed.

Archer pushed aside the leaves of the plant and Rin grinned nervously up at him.

"G'day… Bruce…"

"What the hell are the six of you doing behind a goddamn plant?" he snarled.

Lancer joined Archer at the plant. "Well, what are we going to do with them? We can't have any witnesses."

Gilgamesh drew himself up to his full height which was several inches shorter than Archer. "I'm going to end your miserable existences, halfbreeds."

Lancer crossed his arms. "Hey, Gilgamesh. How's Enkidu?"

Rage and hatred like no other filled Gilgamesh's face. He drew back Ea, preparing for Enuma Elish until-

"Gilgamesh? Is that you?"

Mai approached him and Ea instantly disappeared. Mai looked around. "Rin? Shirou? Sakura? What are you guys doing here? And why are you wearing mustaches?"

Gilgamesh, instantly distracted from Archer and Lancer, smiled lovingly at Mai. "Oh, Mai. Fate has brought us together once again," he said.

"Let's go, while they're distracted," Archer whispered. He and Lancer began backing away slowly and then ran out the door.

Rin sighed. "Damn them."

Saber shrugged. "What is it they say? All's fair in love and war?"


	3. The King of Heroes Goes To School!

RING RING RING RING RING!

A golden portal opened and a sword slashed Gilgamesh's alarm clock in half as the King of Heroes pulled the covers off his head. He groaned and sat up. Who knew going to school meant you had to get up early? He pulled himself out of bed and shuffled into the bathroom. His normally spiky hair flopped over onto his face. He picked up the can of hair spray and sprayed it liberally on his hair. Once it was at its usual spikiness he brushed his teeth. He had stayed up last night rereading _The Epic of Gilgamesh_ , his favorite book. He'd always tried to get Kotomine to read it but he was always too busy reading _Villains Today_.

He nodded approvingly at his reflection and walked out. He opened his closet and examined the rather distasteful school uniform that had been delivered last night. He shook his head. There was no way he, the King of Heroes, would be caught wearing something like that. He defected to his usual hoodie, jeans, and t-shirt.

"Good morning, Gilgamesh," Kotomine said when he emerged from his room. The priest was reading the last ten pages of _Villains Today_ at the table.

"What's for breakfast?" Gilgamesh asked, putting his phone in his pocket.

"Pancakes with curse syrup. Help yourself."

Gilgamesh picked up three pancakes off the platter and put them on the plate set down for him. He poured the curse syrup liberally onto his pancakes and cut a piece. "Where's the halfbreed?" he asked.

"He didn't come home last night from his date with Archer," Kotomine said, "Did you know that Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange finally got together?"

"Did they?" Gilgamesh asked absentmindedly, his mind wandering back to Mai. He would see her again for sure. She was going to marry him. He was sure of it.

"Hey guys!" Lancer cried, throwing open the door. He waved to them energetically.

"Stop your disgusting halfbreed behavior," Gilgamesh said without looking up.

"You guys won't believe what Archer and I did last night. We went and saw the new Terminator movie and then we shared a chocolate milkshake and then we all played Super Smash Bros with Rin, Shirou, Sakura, Saber, and Taiga!" Lancer said excitedly.

"Did you know Voldemort and Bellatrix Lestrange finally got together?" was Kotomine's only response.

"What's Super Smash Bros?" Gilgamesh asked, "Of course I already know what it is, but tell me anyway," he added hastily.

Lancer rolled his eyes. "It's a game where you play as your favorite video game characters and then fight each other."

"Oh. Halfbreed culture."

Kotomine checked his watch. "Gilgamesh, if you're going to school today, you better get going. You don't want to be late."

The ancient warrior sighed and stood up. He strode back into his room and threw several objects into golden portals. _Epic of Gilgamesh_ book? Check. Cool notebook? Check. Golden binder? Check. Most of the stuff he already had in various places in his Gate of Babylon. He nodded at his reflection. It was time to take over Homurahara Academy.

"Gilgamesh! Over here!" cried Mai, waving energetically. She was waiting outside the school in her uniform. She had a large stack of books in her hands as well as a bag.

Gilgamesh approached her and easily took the books from her before pushing them into an empty space in his Gate of Babylon. Mai watched them disappear.

"Am I going to get those back?" she asked.

"Yes, of course, but you shouldn't have to carry around such unwieldy objects all the time," he said offhandedly.

She blushed slightly. "Well, okay! Let me show you around the school before our first class starts!"

"I already know my way around, but feel free to show me around anyway," he said, walking inside with her.

She giggled and waved to some of her friends down the hallway. "Okay, let's see your schedule."

He pulled it out of a golden portal and looked at it. "English with Taiga Fujimura, Calculus with Rider, Psychology and Greek Myths with Caster, World History with Souichirou Kuzuki, Ethics with… KIREI KOTOMINE?!"

"Oh yeah, didn't you know he taught Ethics? He's a really good teacher but the snacks he brings smell kinda weird," she said, pointing to Taiga's English classroom. "That's English."

Gilgamesh cleared his throat. "Of course I knew that. Gym, and Science with some random halfbreed."

Mai looked surprised. "Wow! We have the exact same schedules!"

"It must be fate," Gilgamesh said, putting an arm around her shoulder.

She laughed and glanced up at the clock. "We better get to class! I can show you around as we go!" she said.

They walked inside and Gilgamesh took a seat next to Mai. Rin Tohsaka was practicing her Autstralian accent in the back.

"Hi, Rin!" Mai said.

"G'day Mai," Rin replied absentmindedly. She looked at Gilgamesh for a minute, placed who he was, and proceeded to look surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"I'm not going to dignify that halfbreed question with an answer."

Shirou walked in and gave Gilgamesh a strange look but didn't say anything to his face. "Man, it feels like everyone's at this school nowadays," he said to Rin, "What with Kotomine teaching ethics."

"Yeah, I was a little surprised they chose him," Rin replied.

In the next few minutes, more and more students filed in. Eventually Taiga came in too and waved at the class.

"Hello, class! Before we begin today, let me introduce you to our new transfer student- Gilgamesh. Do you want to say anything to the class, Gilgamesh?"

He stood up. "You're all halfbreeds, except Mai," he said and then sat down.

Mai looked embarrassed. Gilgamesh was strange, but she liked him anyway.

Taigas sighed. "Today, we're going over the present progressive tense! Everyone prepare to take notes!"

The schoolgirl and the Hero King walked to calculus together after learning about the present progressive tense and doing a worksheet to go along with it. The worksheet had been about two rather boring people named Bob and Sue who were going to a picnic.

"Now, I think I better warn you about Miss Rider… She's kind of threatening… She turns the students she doesn't like to stone," Mai whispered.

"I'm not afraid of a halfbreed Servant like her," Gilgamesh said bravely.

"Suit yourself," replied Mai.

When Miss Rider walked in, everyone could tell this was not going to be a good class. Rider slammed her hand down on her desk.

"Alright, you little snot rags! Your mothers were hamsters and your fathers smelled of elderberries!" Rider cried, pointing a pencil accusingly at them. She exhaled deeply and drew herself up, calming down. "Starting today, I will be teaching your Health class for the next two months because APPARENTLY your brains are too FRAGILE to take calculus for a whole year!" she snarled, flaring up again.

Shinji snickered behind his hand and Rider's head whipped around to face him.

"Mr. Matou! Instead of taking Health class, you will be taking your remedial calculus with Mr. Caster, Miss Caster's cousin from France," she said with a sadistic smile.

Shinji's jaw dropped. "You can't do that!"

"I can and I will, you disrespectful warthog carcass," she spat, "Now get out of my classroom."

He crossed his arms and walked out while Rider grinned. After he had left, she walked over to the computer and pressed several buttons. A picture flashed up onto the screen and Rider stood next to it.

"Okay class, these are your vocabulary words for the first chapter. Write them down on some paper or something."

There was an awkward silence that followed.

Rider sighed. "What am I pointing to?" she asked.

"I-it's a picture of a condom on a cucumber, Miss Rider," Shirou said with a red face.

Rider groaned. "Okay, everyone close your eyes for a minute." She took off her mask and put on the glasses she had on her desk and tapped a couple more buttons so a picture of some vocabulary words appeared instead. The teacher rubbed her head. "You guys can have a free period after you do that. I'm too tired to teach you how to not die today."

The other classes had varying degrees of interest. Caster told them that Hercules was a really bad cook and Rin advised her not to say that to his face. Kuzuki began the chapter on Ancient Mesopotamia and Gilgamesh knew all the answers, impressing Mai. In Ethics they talked about the trolley problem. Gilgamesh had know qualms about intentionally killing five people which was not the point of the exercise. Gilgamesh paid no attention to anything in gym class except for how cute Mai looked in her gym uniform. And in science they dissected a frog.

"Hey, Gilgamesh! Do you want to go hang out after school? Since you're new, maybe you already know the best places to hang out but want me to show you anyway," Mai said, smiling mischievously.

"Of course," Gilgamesh replied as they walked out of the school.

She giggled and beckoned him down a street with her. "Why don't we go get hot chocolate? It's kind of cold out today."

"You're cold?" he asked, walking with her.

"A little bit," she replied, checking the street signs, "Here it's this way-,"

Gilgamesh took off his hoodie and draped it around Mai's shoulders. "Here. I won't allow you to be cold."

She blushed and pulled it around her shoulders. "Th-thanks."

He watched her for a while longer with a small smile until she broke resolve and tugged him down the street. "I-it's down here!" she said, slightly embarrassedly. He smiled and let her pull him down the street. She was unbelievably cute when she was flustered. He pushed the door open for her and she stepped inside, thanking him with a smile.

"I'll get us some hot chocolates, she said, letting go of his hand, "I'll be right back."

"She's pretty good-looking, Gil. Don't know how you got her to like you, though," laughed a young man from across the coffee shop.

Gilgamesh turned around slowly. He hadn't heard that voice in thousands of years.

Enkidu grinned at him. "Nice to see you, Gil."

Next time on: Fate / All's Fair

A Second Meeting of Fate!

"What the hell are YOU doing here?!"

"My editors didn't like the first draft."

"Gilgamesh, who's this?"


End file.
